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Winter Olympics Awarded to Boston Early, Games Underway Given Unique Conditions

Photo by coleong/iStock / Getty Images

The International Olympics Committee (IOC) announced that given the Boston area's record-breaking recent snowfall, that unique conditions on the ground presented an unprecedented opportunity to play the Winter Games immediately.  Marty Walsh, Boston's new major was ebullient "Thank goodness.  Now I can talk about something other than making way for snow plows and closed schools."  While Governor Baker also seemed pleased, he was heard to cough into his hand "MBTA, MBTA".

Given the quick nature of the decision and the lack of actual athletes, Boston residents, resilient and strong (Boston Strong), have stepped up.  Some of the ad hoc events will be familiar, if not run with a slight twist.  The Luge will be run in a variety of Southie front walkways, taking advantage of the cavernous snow walls.  The "Skeleton" will be run in downtown Boston for the next week by walking pedestrians, where the risk to life and limb are similar to the regular event.  "Short-track" will only haltingly be held given the current state of the "T", as the local subway is known.  Finally a new Nordic Combined event has been defined and now includes the Rake Roof Pull (ladder extension and sticking the landing are key), the Snowblower High Throw, and Shovel Toss.

When asked for comment, President Obama stated, "This is what the United States stands for, citizen-games, reflecting our unique lalala."

Senator John McCain gave the Republican response, saying, "If the over 70 inches of snow that has fallen in the last two weeks doesn't convince you that Global Warming is fiction, I don't know what will."

Mark Cuban (no relation to the country or cigar), famed business titan and Shark Tank star, has stepped up to be the first corporate sponsor of the 2015 Boston Winter Olympics, announcing a new real-time location-based mobile app that can identify the closest available shovels, road salt, sand and Mass Transit bus.  Cuban has lined up Angie's List as the Official Services sponsor, providing reviewed winter service providers via the same mobile app (in app purchase required).

Finally all major television and cable networks are providing real-time coverage of the events.  There have already been several memorable moments from broadcasters' live coverage atop high mounds of snow, near DPW salt sheds, and amidst blinding snow and crashing waves.  

The Olympic Awards ceremony will follow the next snowstorm, which is expected to bring another 10 inches Thursday into Friday.

This attempt at humor in the face of epic snow is brought to you purely for amusement.  All statements are my own and not attributable to anyone else but me.